


Team Stop Anti-Pick Up Line League 2.0

by kainess



Series: MC isn't good at pick up lines. [14]
Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Genre: Asmodeus - Freeform, Diavolo - Freeform, F/M, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Lucifer - Freeform, M/M, MC - Freeform, Main character - Freeform, Solomon - Freeform, They're back, a literal shit show, asmo, how do yall feel about asmo joining the squad, i for one like it, i think lucifer hates it though, lord diavolo - Freeform, mammon - Freeform, obey me - Freeform, obey me shall we date - Freeform, shall we date - Freeform, simeon - Freeform, walkie-talkie squad gang gang, with a new addition
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:13:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27664538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kainess/pseuds/kainess
Summary: A series of unfortunate events. Not really, but you do think Lucifer wants to kill you.
Relationships: Lucifer (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)/Reader
Series: MC isn't good at pick up lines. [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1854259
Comments: 31
Kudos: 125





	Team Stop Anti-Pick Up Line League 2.0

“This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.” You have the bridge of your nose pinched between your thumb and index finger as you look into the body-length mirror in front of you. You, Mammon, and Asmodeus have moved into the latter’s room so he could properly dress you up for your next event. “This isn’t going to work; this wouldn’t even work on me.” To say you were disappointed was an understatement. You thought you could trust Asmodeus when it came to something like pick up lines, but it seems you made a severe and continuous lapse in your judgment. 

“And the stupidest thing you’ve ever worn,” Mammon adds from where he stands behind you. The demon has his arms crossed over his chest as he examines your look, a small grin on his lips. Your demise was definitely entertaining for him. 

“It might look stupid,”  _ which it most certainly does _ , “but if you own it and act confident, you’ll be able to pull it off.” You look into the mirror again, taking in your appearance. You were, to put it simply, dressed in a black trash bag. It was loud and crinkled every time you moved, and it gave you no flattering shape. You were convinced that not even Asmodeus himself would be able to pull this off (which makes sense, in your mind, as trash bags are not meant to be worn). “Now,” the blond speaks up again, “do you have everything memorized?” You nod your head along to his question as he passes out the walkie-talkies to you and Mammon. “Great. We’ll communicate through these in the meantime. Make sure you leave it on, we want to hear how it goes with Lucifer!” 

_ Right…  _ the plan was for you to barge into Lucifer’s office, much like last time, and throw a pick up line at him. Asmodeus told you several times to ‘ _ trust the process _ ’ when you questioned how this would be successful. As far as the three of you were aware, Lucifer didn’t have any meetings today and only had the typical stack of paperwork to do. With their last words of encouragement, the two brothers pushed you out of Asmodeus’ room and you found yourself walking down the hall towards Lucifer’s office. To be honest, you weren’t exactly thrilled about the scenario you were in.  _ Yes _ , you wanted to give Lucifer a pick up line that would fluster him.  _ No _ , you didn’t think it would be this one. 

“Now remember,” Mammon’s voice comes out staticy through the walkie-talkie, “don’t knock. Just barge in there and lay out the pick up line. Don’t give him time to think about it.”

“Especially since you’re in a trash bag. He’ll throw you out before he even gives you the chance.” Asmodeus adds over Mammon. You aren’t sure why Asmodeus demanded his own walkie-talkie when him and Mammon were just going to be staying in the same room together. Your stomach is twisting uncomfortably as you find yourself in front of his office door. Your first day back after three weeks and you were already up to your antics again. You needed a friend who would encourage you to stop, not egg you on. With a deep inhale, you pushed the door to Lucifer’s office open, and stormed in. You marched up to the middle of the room, loudly exclaiming with your arms thrown out, “I’m trash, so please take me out.” It’s when you get hit with the silence that follows that you decide to look up, your eyes immediately widening in horror when finding Lucifer. However, the demon was not alone. Of course not, no, why would he be when you planned to throw yourself into his office to humiliate yourself? 

At Lucifer’s desk stood Simeon, Solomon, Lord Diavolo, and the man of the hour himself, Lucifer. You looked down at yourself, and then the group who’s staring at you, mortified. It’s quiet, so quiet that you were positive everyone could hear your heart slamming against your chest. You once again glance down at your get up before looking back up at the small group of people in front of you. 

“I knew from the moment that I could hear your every move down the hall,” Lucifer’s pinching the bridge of his nose with a look of complete agony on his face, “that I should have left and stopped you from coming inside. This is on me. This is my fault.”

“Hey!” You hear your name called out from the walkie-talkie that’s crammed in your back pocket. “Ya didn’t even say it right! It’s, ‘take me out any time’ while you gesture to yourself!” Mammon’s interruption could not have come at a worse time. “And why don’t I hear anythin’? Ain’t Lucifer there or somethin’? Oh shit, Asmodeus, do you think he’s killed them?” If looks could kill, you would have died on the spot. 

“Let me just…”  _ The stupid fucking thing _ , you think to yourself as you pull the walkie-talkie out of your back pocket, all while crinkling the trash bag loudly. It’s still silent and you can feel everyone’s eyes on you. This is just your luck, always your luck. You’re starting to believe that no one in the universe has worse luck than you. Maybe you were cursed when you were born; it seems likely. You turned it off, or at least tried to, but the old walkie-talkie seems to be acting its age, and it’s putting up a fight with you, one that you seem to be losing. “Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Your anger and frustration were starting to seep through, and you immediately corrected yourself when remembering that both the future Demon King and an angel were in your presence. “Uh, I mean, gee whiz. This stupid--”

“What are ya doin’? Come on, give us the details! Did Lucifer fall to his knees, or did he kill ya instead?”  _ Mammon, please just shut the fuck up-- _

“So, Mammon and Asmodeus put you up to this.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement. 

“Uh,” your mouth is dry as you try to think of what to do, “no?” You just wished it sounded less like a question. You ain’t no snitch.

“You’re a great liar.” Solomon deadpans. “Very convincing; ten out of ten.” You roll your eyes despite knowing that he’s right. 

“I thought it was very entertaining!” You look over to see Lord Diavolo flashing you a thumbs up. “If I were Lucifer, I would have been absolutely swept off my feet.”

“You have low standards.” Both Lucifer and Solomon say at the same time. 

“Oh really? Because if I recall correctly, Solomon, you thought my Star Wars pick up line was  _ cute. _ ” You hear an audible gasp come from the sorcerer and his cheeks flush pink. 

“You promised to keep that to yourself!” 

“Really? You never struck me as the nerdy type when it came to romance.” Simeon says as he gazes at the man thoughtfully. “Although I guess it isn’t too surprising. You are a sorcerer after all.”

“What does that even have to do with anything?” The silver-haired sorcerer stares at the angel in disbelief, the man clearly embarrassed from your confession. 

“Can we please focus?” The eldest of the brothers is barely containing his frustration with the situation, letting out a long sigh afterward. “We can finish this discussion another day; it seems like everyone is distracted anyway." 

“You should be distracted too!” Lord Diavolo exclaims when Solomon and Simeon excuse themselves, leaving Lucifer’s office shortly after. “If  _ I  _ had a cute human storming into  _ my  _ office in a trash bag asking  _ me  _ to take  _ them  _ out, I wouldn’t be able to focus on anything either!” You feel your face heat up as you shift awkwardly on your feet.

“Oh my god, Lord Diavolo, are we like, flirting right now?” You wiggle your eyebrows as you look at the crowned prince, Lucifer visibly frowning at the exchange. 

“Enough.” He says with a warning tone. “Lord Diavolo, if I may have a moment with my troublesome human.” You watch with a pout as Lord Diavolo leaves the office. You can feel the tension in the air once it’s only the two of you, a sheepish chuckle escaping your lips. 

“Okay, I know you’re mad, but hear me out. I just wanted to make you smile.”  _ You just wanted to make him smile? Is that really all you have?  _ “And besides, everyone likes a good pick up line here and there.” Lucifer’s made his way back to his desk, the demon sitting in his chair as he keeps his gaze on you. He wasn’t going to stop you from talking? You expected him to interrupt you at least three different times already, so you didn’t really plan anything to say. “And, uh, you know, a hard-working man like yourself could use a few pick up lines every now and then. I heard it’s a great stress reducer.” He’s still silent. “And, well, I mean, who doesn’t like to be complimented? You seem like a nice demon who would appreciate a compliment or two.” Still nothing. “Did you… did you get the pick up line though?”

After what seems like an eternity, Lucifer lets out another sigh. “You called that a pick up line?”

“Because-- because I’m in a trash bag. I wanted you to take me out… because I’m trash. Get it, because-- because the trash bag…” 

“Get out.”

“Yes, sir.”

**Author's Note:**

> does anyone actually enjoy these crack fics? i'm having fun with them GKJHSDGJHDKL


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